15.05.23 Ya tiene tiempo que no nos escribíamos. Desde este punto hacia atrás ha habido muchos cambios, que no sé si llegué a escribir. Dado que no quiero leer lo anterior justo ahora, haré un pequeño resumen. En mayo de 2022 me sentí mal, empecé un camino con médicos de varias especialidades que terminó en medicamentos múltiples. Hasta este punto todo avalado por mi hermana. Ella es buena persona, y sabe atender lo urgente, pero a largo plazo creo que le falló. Los médicos que conocí por ella son similares. Pasó el tiempo, me cansé de esos esquemas y busqué ayuda por mi cuenta. Lo que más me ha dolido hasta ahora, además del pecho, es el bolsillo, pero creo que es la mejor inversión que se puede hacer. Long-story short, encontré un médico genial que descubrió una alteración en mi metabolismo, ahora tomo suplementos de minerales para equilibrar. Por ese lado todo está OK. El cardio y su medicina del mal me tenían aletargado y miedoso de morir. Cambié de cardio, y el nuevo me dijo : ¡bye medicinas!, estás bien. Toca relajarte. Esos días sin la medicina del corazón fueron intensos. Esta sensación de quererte morir porque tu cuerpo deja de funcionar. Era como si mi sistema nervioso se paralizara. Dolores de cabeza, ataques de ansiedad. Pobre de la gente que tiene problemas más serios. Afortundamente creo que mi cuerpo ya se acosutmbó a no tener ese medicamente y eso es genial. Como recordatorio, como awakening, fue el viaje a Oaxaca. Si tu corazón es lento, luego le metes medicina, y luego lo bajas a nivel del mar... pude morir ahí. En fin, parte de mi lucha por estar mejor fue recurrir al man. El man es un viejo conocido con la suficiente confianza para prestarle algo de mi salud mental. Ahora escribo por encargo. Así que empezaré a responder una serie de preguntas:  ¿Qué me gustaría aprender en mi proceso terapéutico? Me encantaría validar mis conjeturas, y saberme listo para enfrentar retos. Todos necesitamos validación en cierto momento. ¿Cuáles son las cosas que debo sanar en cuestión de mi infancia? Uff, ser robocop, superman y la mujer maravilla juntos. No había espacio para no ser fuerte. ¿Qué me gustaría desarrollar emocional e intelectualmente? Puede ser mi ego, pero aprender más de este mundo, el analizado no solo soy yo. Emocionalmente, creo que estoy cerrado. Habrá que ver si nos abrimos. ¿Qué es lo que debo perdonarme hasta el día de hoy? La indecisión. Hoy soy alguien conocido por tomar decisiones asertivas. No siempre lo fui. ¿Qué me gustaría realmente en cuestión de ser yo mismo? Todo. Ahí no tengo fallas. Tal vez, ser más aventado.  ¿Que es lo que me gustaría para mí como hombre? Todos buscamos equidad. He sido discrimado por ello varias veces. También comprensión, y también atención. ¿Que es lo que me gustaría tener en una pareja? Alguien fuerte, inteligente, bonito por dentor y por fuera. Ávida de explorar, y ávida de aprender. Alguien que lo mismo pueda ver una serie o salir a Puebla en su carro. ¿Quién soy yo actualmente?

 Walter Bravo, multitasker, experto y seguro de sí mismo. ¿Que es de lo que me arrepiento hasta el día de hoy? Creo que todo lo que he hecho me ha traído hasta aquí. Mejorar la atención en días contados hacia mis padres y hermanas. Pero de eso, ya me encargué. ¿Qué me gustaría cambiar de mi aparte de mi carácter? Ah no, ahí si no. Perdamos la panza pero me mantengo en carácter. ¿Que es lo que me gustaría cambiar si pudiera retroceder el tiempo? Nada. Esto es imposible e improbable. ¿Cuáles son las culpas que siento hasta el día de hoy? Tal vez sí siento una. Con mi ex. Le di todo, hasta que me cansé y me empecé a considerar a mí. No fui el más justo, pero tampoco ella lo fue. Es difícil lo que sucedió. ¿Que es lo que más deseo en mi vida? En este instantee, salud y estabilidad. Pienso que si logro la mía puedo compartirla con los demás. Fin de las preguntas. 

Vaya vaya, quién sabe cuánto me dure  la inspiración de estas sesiones. Veremos. 

26.07.22 Increíble la sensación, y extremadamente estresante. Rectas que dan gusto  y curvas que dan miedo. ¿Cómo puede un camión tomar tan rápido las mismas curvas en las que un pequeño motociclista va sufriendo? Nadie te dice que el viento es lo más peligroso, y lo más perceptible. Después de una hora y cuarenta cuatro minutos me quedo con una satisfacción plena. ¿A dónde nos llevará el viento la próxima vez?

24.07.22 Fue un fin de semana interesante y lleno de aprendizajes. Primero, la familia se comporta como la familia. Todos en pequeños clústeres y todos alejados de la interacción española. Los primos viven cosas similares, y se quieren mucho, aunque algunos no se conocen. Sí, hablo como si fuera un externo. Sorprendente que pequeñas parte coinciden con todos, pero desde que somos adultos no nos hemos visto. Tal vez sea momento de cambiarlo. Regálame un momento... tal vez con un poco más de inspiración revisitemos algo de este texto.  La ceremonia, hecha a la medida, única en su tipo. Nunca se ha visto algo así, y creo que nunca se verá. Iniciamos con 4 elementos, después cambiamos al coco, los hermanos, el autocasamiento, luego los listones con los que nos conectamos todos. Así se terminó un evento muy interesante, aunque algo aleatorio. Continuaremos estas palabras... 

06.26.21  Aunque este post no fue escrito en esta fecha, creo que merece tener una entrada.  

Curiosamente iniciamos en el día 26, nunca te lo dije pero los 26 era mi "mesesario", siempre me molestó un poco, en fin, cosas del destino. Terminamos el 30 de abril de 2022. Un día apropiado para recordar al "y entonces pasó un monstruo y fuimos a comer helado". 

Alguna vez me preguntaste qué me quedé de nuestra relación, me quedé con muchísimas cosas.  Me enseñaste el valor de la inocencia y me enseñaste que no toda la gente se deja influenciar por su medio. Aunque no lo creas, te considero alguien extremadamente íntegro y eres de las personas más auténticas que conozco. Me enseñaste el valor de las sonrisas, y me enseñaste a creer de nuevo en la gente.

Me quedo con tus dibujos, con saber que cualquier puede aprender a hacerlo con una buena maestra, me quedo lleno de recuerdos de Morris y asociados. Nunca veré la "comida de pájaro" de la misma manera. 

También quiero que sepas que sabes querer y que sabes querer muy bonito. Entregas todo lo que tienes y lo haces con mucho amor, espero que nunca cambies esa parte de ti. 

Lamentáblemente, tú y yo no fuimos compatibles en este momento, puede ser por lo que me tocó  vivir, puede ser por la distancia. Y lo más importante, me dejaste con una linda amistad, una amistad que creo que durará mucho tiempo. ¡Muchas felicidades el Morris!

06.13.21  No puedo creer que haya hablado 18 horas contigo.  Soy una persona que no habla, soy payaso y soy fresa y usualmente no me interesa lo que la gente tiene que decir. Tú me lo has dicho, puedo llegar a ser cerrado. Y contigo, desde el día que te conocí se rompió esa barrera, nunca me dejaste solo en la mesa, vi lo educada y atenta que eres. Me contabas de tu vida y preguntabas de la mía. Hablamos sin parar esa noche, nunca me sentí incómodo. Me atreví a manejar contigo. Esa noche hablé con Felipe, y me dijo: ¿te vendrías a los Cabos? Le dije que sí. Que sentía algo por esta ciudad y por su gente. 

06.07.21  Hoy fue mi primera salida con Steve. Steve es un personaje ficticio, que vive en la mente de todos. Este tercero que vive con otras parejas. Yo he sido Steve, tú has sido Steve #TodosSomosSteve. Así fue como empecé a conocer a Steve. Una chica de Sinaloa que vive en los Cabos. Desde el principio sentí atracción hacia ella, pero empezamos un poco golpeado. Hoy finalmente las cosas se dieron para salir con Steve, en una especie de mezcla amor/amistad. Nos acompañamos, sobrevivimos a un perro, nos contamos historias y vimos aves. Muchos momentos para acercarse y enamorarnos. Ya una noche antes había visto un pequeño brillo en sus ojos. Ella brillaba más que la luna y me contaba de destinos. El día tuvo un final estrepitoso, pero no malo del todo. Esta persona me está mostrando los Cabos desde sus ojos, desde unos ojos de amor con los que no puedo luchar. ¿Qué será del futuro de los Steve?

 05.06.21 Dos palabras que te describen. Una persona interesante y ávida de escuchar historias. Una persona que me enseñó algunas cosas nuevas, me dejó ver que aún había caminos en esta vida. Y aunque las cosas salieron bien, y la convivencia era buena, siempre hubo algo off. Algo que no me dejaba irme completamente.  Pasamos dos buenas citas juntos, pero creo que ambos nos dimos cuenta que este no era el camino.

05.06.21 It's been a year now since my last post (almost). Now I read again everything I wrote,... this was really cathartic! I used to thought I had no grievance, and yet, everything was written here. No one will read this I hope, even if they do... I'm so happy to be writing right now. This post was going to talk about my old flairs, it was going to remember the mobile operations center (yes, your blanket that followed you everywhere), but I'm very happy to say... Now you are part of the old flairs! "¡Cuéntame algo!" Gracias por hacerme confiar otra vez. Por ayudar a darme cuenta de que el mundo sigue girando y tiene gente que vale mucho la pena. 

06.11.20 Tú y yo fuimos todo y fuimos todos.

07.15.20 What am I doing? Probably just blowing this out of proportion. And I'm writing this while watching How I Met Your Mother so my feelings are mixed up. On one side, I still miss someone, many times a day. I think I will never stop missing that person. On the other side, I'm fantasizing of someone "new". I put new in quotes, because you have been more time around me than many others. I've seen you grow, learn, change, evolve. I love all those aspects of you. I'm not sure if you feel the same way, I really think  you do, but what if I ruin our friendship? I already did that once. I don't want to lose you, but I do want to hold you. Never let go. Is that something you want? Is that something I can give you? Why do you give me mixed signals? I don't know what I am doing.

07.10.20 Yes! Shocks are fun! You are too.  This night was expected, the result was not. I think my mind played tricks on me, or maybe I did. By the way, kudos on the suprise hug. It was nice, but I think prudence was the word of the night. I feel good about that. I hope you are not too bummed out. I hope we can still be friends. Plus, you made me realize I need to take more iniative.

07.06.20 Did I steal you? I did. I have been remembering a lot of stuff about our past. I think everything is surfacing up. I find myself day-dreaming all day, all days. Why did it activate? Why now? I'm not sure. I don't think I want you back. I don't know what I want, but I find myself constantly lingering in the past. Is this the grief I tried to avoid all past months finally coming back up? Maybe it's just the quarantine that finally got to me. We were perfect, until we let ourselves go. I promise that will never happen again. So bad it had to happen once. Today is difficult, and I'm really eating my feelings. Maybe after letting this go things will start to get better.

06.22.20 Now for the part to figure out. This Rubik's puzzle has a name, a pulse, and a very cute laugh. To quote How I Met Your Mother: "Being a couple is hard. And committing, making sacrifices; it's hard. But if it's the right person, then it's easy.". I was having several issues in my head, playing around whether I was ready for a new relationship or not. I was kind of interested in a certain girl from some posts up, but I had many concerns. I was pushing maybe a little too hard. I was also thinking about someone very important in my life. I've said it before, if you read this, you set a bar very high and you will be a reference for all things to come, but a different post is needed for that. 

 Then I met you, again, you big giant rabbit. I'm actually making a reference to Donnie Darko, a movie that gets me and thrills me every time. A movie I saw recently with someone, and she hated it (should have raised some alerts). Then you see just a picture of the cover and you told me how you love it. We talk about food and strangely you don't eat much, but you don't judge. You and I have very similar habits and thoughts . We agree on many levels, we joke, we play, we fix the world, and hours pass. Suddenly it's 5 AM and I can't get enough of you.  Being a couple is hard, unless it's the right person, then it's not. Are you the right person? Because it certainly feels like so. This is one Rubik's Puzzle I need to work on.

06.21.20 This is a two part story. The first part is already figured out and follows. One of the best teachers I have ever had was at college. The subject was Work Ethics. We met this suave looking professor who said from day one: I'm not here to read a thousand books and make you memorize stuff. I'm here to give a valuable lesson. Nothing is impossible. 

The subject had 5 milestones to be approved: Solve a Rubik's Puzzle, participate in a race, tell a joke to the audience, improv something live for 1 minute, and share with everyone the story of someone you really admired. How is everything related to ethics will be revealed soon enough. 

The first thing we learned, or agreed upon were the dates for each milestone to be completed, and the acknowledgement that to overcome each of them, we would have to work together. There were discussion groups made, in which we confered and shared some stories as we learned and preparedfor each milestone. Conversations like: how to analyze a topic and quickly gather important points to talk about, about how to stand in front of an audience, about the workout needed before any race, etc. There were also many conversations about like and work experiences from our professor. 

The Rubik's Puzzle was easy, we followed an algorythm that made it work. we saw a little of the algorythm every class. At the end some us were able to solve the puzzle in less than 1 minute. 

The improv was a little bit hard for some persons. Many didn't have skills for talking and presenting themselves in public. It is very important to teach this to students everywhere, effective communication is the basis for everything. 

Jokes. Many of us have a hands-down awful sense or hability for humor, but attempts were made. Some more succesful than others.

The race was a little bit scary, but many training plans were recommended. To follow them or not was each person's decision. They day of the race, 7km setup by the School of Chemistry, at least I felt very supported by our professor, he ran two or three times the race's length just to find and encourage each and everyone of us to finish. I couldn't walk for three days after that race.

Finally the I admire you part. You can't imagine the feelings that eroded from each and every one of our souls in those classes. Each class, someone got up to tell his or her story. It turns out it's really difficult to open up and share something so personal. One of the side-goals was to also share your admiration story with the person you admired, no easy task. Every class we were touched, every class we became a little more human. When the semester was over, I had two very clear things in my head: Nothing is impossible. Nothing is done or accomplished without affecting other people. Nice job ethics!

06.20.20 Because every mind is a puzzle. From the first moment I saw you I thought you were a very interesting person. We started chatting about things other than work really fast. Time passed, trust was built, and at some point you befriended me, explicitly. Quarantine came, breakups came, and you told me you would be there. I've really enjoyed these chats with you about everything. I was a little surprised when you asked if I would date someone like you.  What are we? I think we are very good friends.  Thanks for being there this whole time, literally. Right now I miss my bed a bit, but you were too tired. Have some good rest. I think we could share it, but you are right: Apparently I'm not the big snorer any more.  

 02.27.2020. I think today may be one of the worst days of your life. You knew this was coming. It was coming for some weeks now, yet you thought it could be avoided. Maybe it could've. Every head is a universe, and you just found colliding universes. The whole Big Bang fell upon you. 

03.03.2020. "Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final." Rainer Maria Rilke.

03.09.2020. Remember today. Today you get back on your feet. Today you peek a little into your chest and find your heart is not in pieces. You will survive. Today you have your first natural smile. Your chest is not only tougher, it feels on fire. Sad winds may come, and they will come. It's going to be a blizzard, and it's gonna last maybe for years. But always remember this day. Today you felt extreme happiness. You had not felt that in a while. You should always feel the happiness.

03.25.2020. We all thought life would end in an instant. Big cloudy mushroom and we are gone. Who would have guessed that actually, our life may end not with a bang, but with a hug? #COVID-19

03.29.2020. Being in control leads to being safe. If you face an uncontrollable situation you have two options: Relinquish control, understand you cannot do anything about it and be at peace; or believe anything you hear as true, thus making it your own. Now you can control what you know.

03.29.2020. It is very interesting to understand the generational gap between boomers, x-gen and millenials. We were all brought up differently. I think boomers have lived a ton of things, they think that the world will survive, it has done so many times before. X-gens, need to stay updated and think they have a great responsibility to the world. They need to share what they know with everyone. Maybe (at least in Mexico) all those heartbreaking events they have lived have shaped them up like that. Millenials live on a more day-to-day basis. There are facts and there is fiction. And there is confort. A millenial kid will try to understand everything happening, evaluate if it serves his purposes, or if he can do anything about it. Then he will go on about with his life.

03.30.2020. I have always thought that intelligence and evolution are the source of both our problems and our greatness. Everyday we get this enhanced grasp of reality and life, which amazes us, or at least it should. To think of where humanity is now and where it was some years ago it's just mind-blowing. Why is it also that with every step ahead we go backwards a million times? The answer is very simple. We are primitive. We keep our basic instincts with us at all times. Every time we progress, the gap between forward-thinking and basic instinct widens. Our intelligence will also be our doom.

04.11.2020. Today I was talking with a friend. She asked me: 5 things you would need to do before the end of the world. I thought about it, and my answer is simple. Nothing. It's quite soothing to know that you have done everything you wanted to, and this is not to be confused with a loss of ambition, it's just a matter of mental peace with yourself. I have loved, I have hated, I have written a book, I have traveled, I have had friends, I have had a family, I had the motorcycle of my dreams, I am respected at my job. These are just a few of my favorite things.

05.17.2020. My dreams have been really something these days. At the beginning I kept dreaming about you. In our dreams we were happy and we were still together. Time continued to pass, and you were still there. In my dreams, I still had a partner, but that partner was slowly fading away. There was a a time at which I was not able to see her face. Third stage came, and you were gone. You left my dreams, as you left my life. Best dreaming therapy ever.

05.17.2020. Dream on, dream on. I was genuinely scared this time. My dreams have always been very vivid, but this time something felt wrong. I've always had repetitive dreams. I'm always inside my dreams, I can see myself, and I keep growing in them. Stories just adapt to the timing. The last dream was a continuation on the story of a group of kidnappers that got ahold of me by some reason. In order to keep my safety, and the safety of my loved ones, I had to cooperate with them. These guys pretended to be cable repair men. They entered the house and left with someone trapped in a rug. I just had to let them do it. Here comes the twist. In this same world, there was a group of alien-like robots, black with a round shape. They occupied space in the world, being neutral. But if you attacked them, they attacked back, destroying the world bit by bit, each time you attacked one of them.

06.01.2020. TikTok, Tiktok, Tiktok, no I'm not waiting on a clock, I'm just having fun with an app. It's really a shame you changed, your goals, your dreams, your desires, I think you decided that it was not longer worth it to share them. Something changed inside you, but I don't think it was recent. I think, something was different always, but you never chose to open-up. I felt it on many ocassions. There's no use to linger in the past, today I'm having fun. I would have liked very much to have fun with you, during this time, this dreaded and infinite time that seems not to end, but it's not so bad. We could have had tons and tons of good times. I'm just happy I had the chance to share some of those with you, and now, I'm sharing a ton of those with me.

06.16.2020. There are some things I can only tell you, but I can't tell you. I still miss your presence, I miss our plans, our games, but I'm also very happy and at peace right now. I can't help but wonder what could have been. If you ever read this, please remember I'm not your enemy, and I never was. I tried to be everything to you, but your everything was different.  In some ways, you still confort me, and when we talk, I feel good again. I think, one part of me still thinks this will be over when quarantine ends, and things will be as they were. 

Anyway, this is what I can't tell you. I miss your brain. Yes, like zombies do. Recently I started dating again. And I'm not really sure I want to do it, maybe because it's not the right person, maybe it's too soon and I don't know her quite enough. She seems very interesting, that's why I asked her out.  There's the physical attraction, and conversations are great! Yet, somehow I always feel like a step or two ahead. I feel I'm running through life in "expert mode" while everybody else is still practicing. That's what I miss. I think you and I had a great balance. We understood each other and we were way past knowing and adapting to create a future. I guess only time will tell.